I remember how the ages of 21 and 22 were all about how many guys were texting me and asking me out and telling me how beautiful I was.
Those were the ages when I built a lot of my self-confidence off of how many men desired me.
Every since I can remember, my mom has joked with me about how guys “fall over me” (this is not said to be cocky, but to just be real) and how I’ve always been so smug and nonchalant towards the opposite sex doing so.
It was not because I was arrogant or self-centered. It was because I knew I possessed a lot of qualities that males wanted.
I’ve always been the type of girl that guys look at and see “relationship”. Never casual dating. Never side chick.
This sounds great in theory, but it also worked to my disadvantage in several of my past relationships.
I have always been told I’d make “the perfect wife” or that I am “the perfect girlfriend”.
The negative side of those ideas and beliefs was that being with me forced guys to think about the future and settling down with one person, which none of them were ready to do at the time.
In my very early twenties, I was not able to understand how I was so “perfect”, but still alone.
Now, let’s be real here. I come from a family of all women. ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.
I’ve always been the quiet one of the group…BUT…I am my mother’s daughter therefore I know how to play the game better than most men out there. So that’s what I did.
I began treating men like commodities. Always replaceable. Always able to be moved around as needed like game pieces.
I can’t even lie and say that I was miserable at the time because I wasn’t. I always had somebody to text. I always had somebody to hang out with. I always had somebody to compliment me and boost my ego everyday.
But now, after growing so much in Christ and really learning myself, I found that I was doing all of that out of fear. I was afraid to be left alone.
Despite always being told how pretty I was growing up or how gorgeous my hair was (I had really long hair most of my life), I always struggled with my confidence.
I loved having people constantly boost me back then because I was feeding off of those reminders.
I’ve always had a strong relationship with Christ, but I have really IMMERSED myself in Him lately (I even took out my nose ring. *gasps*).
In doing this, I am able to look at my past self, in relation to my heart, and realize how foolish and immature I was.
Last night, I went to a party in Ft Worth. I did a little very light flirting, but for the most part, I kept to myself and I was perfectly happy with that. I did not feel the need to walk in and have every guy talk to me.
For the more mature Shelby that I am now, simply knowing that I could have a lot of guys approach me makes me feel way more sexier and attractive than actually having to interact with every guy and exchange information.
I am genuinely dedicated to focusing on myself. We all say it from time to time, but are we actually doing it?
I realized before that I was still guilty of leading guys on and still spending too much time talking to guys I knew I was not trying to be anything more than friends with.
Recently, a male friend and I had a conversation about being friends with people of the opposite sex and them “catching feelings”.
He said, “If I tell a female the truth about not wanting a relationship right now and she stays around anyway, that’s on her.”
Initially, I agreed with this statement.
But as I have started planting seeds in church for God to bring me healthy and stable relationships, I feel as though He has convicted me of the unhealthy relationships that I have placed on other people.
I realized that it is not completely on that person to walk away. If they really do have feelings for you, it is challenge enough to let go. Especially if you are spending time with them, texting them, and flirting with them, how can you expect them to walk away?
That is why I have taken it upon myself to clarify situations with people. I have not been 100% straightforward with every male that has expressed interest in me and that is my fault that they are still around with hope.
Maturity of the heart requires a conscience. It requires us to not only recognize our worth and when it’s time to walk away from certain people, but it also requires us to ensure that we are not doing anything to anyone that we would not want done to ourselves.
When you first started learning to drive, did someone ever tell you, “Always stay alert because you’re not only driving for you, you’re driving for other people.”
It is the same with emotions. Be careful because you not only have to worry about protecting your own heart, but you are responsible for the protection of other people’s hearts in regards to you.
If you want to be in a relationship, put yourself out there and do things that would be steps toward a relationship. If that’s not what you want, then don’t do the same things you would do if you were “talking” to someone.
I’ve made the mistake of letting guys treat me like their girlfriend only when it was convenient for them and it is not a good feeling.
Know your worth (both males and females).
I feel as though within the recent weeks, God has held a huge mirror up to me so that I could see myself and my life.
Do I think that I am just the hottest thing out in the world? No.
However, after studying myself, I see that my value is out of this world.
I am a woman of faith, substance, beauty, intelligence and I have a will to better the world, yet I’m able to be down to earth and joke with just about anyone about anything.
Like I said before, I don’t think that I am just the ultimate pinnacle of womanhood, but I honestly do believe that I deserve the best that life has to offer.
Although I may not fully understand all of the guys from the past (boyfriends or not) that have said I am/ would make “the perfect girlfriend” and then isolated me for someone less, I have grown enough to recognize that this happens sometimes because we get into our comfort zones and would rather settle for someone who will not force us to be better or demand us to be more than what we currently are.
We can no longer be afraid of something incredible.
If you know me, you know that I am goofy and I clown as much as the next person, but at the same time, I’m now looking for something different.
I am single and truly embracing getting to know ME because I am figuring out what specifically what I want and what God wants me to have.
We should all be looking for someone whose top priority in the relationship is challenging us to do more for God and develop as a person. I want someone who, not only acknowledges what he has, but will not do anything stupid to mess it up or so frivolously let something so “perfect” go.
Decide what you want, ask God to help you grow and mature into that, but also, until you get what you desire, KEEP. YOUR. HEART.
Stay blessed, Loves.
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